House to myself for the first time ever. A cat, a piano, an apartment condensed into this room. My paintings aren’t “adult” enough; my gizmos and easels, cameras, books not fitting for a house shared with a TV.— But for the week, a week not nearly long enough, I’m alone in the Abende and mornings and I will try to enjoy as many self-revealing moments as possible.
The sun is coming up. I’m drinking all the beers in my fridge to keep awake, have my own time when I miss living alone. Mosquitoes got inside somehow; can’t absorb the philosophical movies and dogma as readily as I used to; I barely have an inner monologue anymore. It’s still worth trying.
A friend’s friend’s grandma who’s lived in the same house her whole life starts talking about her dog with cancer wrapped around vital organs and I’m thinking about the phrase “well, he’s gonna die anyway, but these will make him feel better.” Why do we make such a big deal of death? It’s a good motivator for trying to do the unordinary, but a better question could be, why prolong your life? That may be all that we’re doing, with our diets and not smoking cigarettes. We fight unfounded fear, to deny it and desire to prolong life. Why? So that we may drive our riding mower and gather knick-knacks on shelves? To wait till we’ve worked long enough to earn a new dining set? If death isn’t the scary part, why are we so vehemently fighting to avoid it?— in the sense of, give me the reason your life brings meaning to everyone else’s existence.
Woke up with sore muscles from a fluffy bed. An energy to start the day, thinking I could be less scared of the worst-case scenarios from the past week at a new job. To the beach with gf and her friends; buried a neglected kid in mermaid-tail-fin and fell face-first into the ocean. Jumped and dived into waves, floated on my back; felt free and elated among the chaos and amnesia of current life. Talks of mini-retirements with one, and shallow recaps with the rest. A movie without computer use and a compulsory film developing session with music I wouldn’t play with my car windows down. Sleepless now, still unanxiously awaiting tomorrow—and why.